"Make a list!", says Mr.Ph.D and lurve author."Make a list of everything you want your dream guy to be. You have to be clear on what you want before you can attract him into your life."And be "specific" especially if little things like inches, age and erm..neatness is important to you. Well, the lurve doctor didn't say that, Maya did. Maya who made her list and got what she asked for except for the neat bit. Maya who now spends a considerable amount of time cleaning up after her hot and sexy guy. But I guess being hot and sexy, he makes up for Maya's lack of specification on her List.
Anyway, this isn't about Maya and her list. It is about me and mine. It is about me getting everything that I asked for and more. And yet, I hesitate. I ponder. I am like a deer caught in the headlights.
I want to redo my list but Maya says I am being a fickle bitch. Well, technically she said I am just being a bitch but I added the fickle part simply because it made more sense. What if my list is not done? What if I think I want certain things and until I actually get it, that is when I realise I don't really want it? You know like when you are eating at a French restaurant and you think you simply must have escargot because that is just what you should have in a hoity toity French place. And when it is served, you look at it and decide you rather just have the breadsticks.
Okay, so this is what I think I want...
1. Older than me
2. A business owner
3. Wants to get married
4. Has $$
5. Captivated by me
6. Does what ever I ask
7. Loves to travel
8. Willing and able to give me all the material things in life that I covet
9. Cherishes me & believes in being faithful
10 Protective and caring
and I get everything (and more!) yet, I feel nothing but fear and apprehension. So much for the list. Maybe I didn't do it right. Why do I want the breadsticks? Why??
Elizabeth Gilbert in her illuminating book;
Eat Pray Love has this to say about how we create the men we want:
"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need from them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we create in the first place."Alright, it is not exactly about getting what's on our list but more of trying to get what we want from our existing partners. Although I didn't start a relationship with this man, I am devastated. Why? Because he was everything I asked for and yet he still could not be what I wanted him to be. And that forces me to confront myself.
Now, that is one scary thing to do. And I am not sure I am ready for that, to know what it is I want. But what is becoming clear, is knowing what I don't want to be anymore. Again Liz expresses my sentiments perfectly,
"But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilling yearnings."Even though I am tired, tired of Loneliness in bed with me every night and waking up with Depression who stalks me all day. I am just going to S U R R E N D E R to the rhythm of life and hopefully develop the blind faith that is needed to know that one day through a series of fortunate incidents, he will somehow end up in front of me. It will not be just our bodies we share but he wants to share his heart and I am willing to share mine.
And that I would finally experience Love as Gibran describes it in The Prophet;
"And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days."Or maybe I should just make a more specific list.
What do you think?
